For the record, you don’t get credit for not fucking things up worse. Here’s one last “fuck you” to get us through the holidays. (Please don’t make us update this site in January.)
While thousands of programs and employees were deemed “non-essential” and suspended or furloughed, one of the few government costs deemed essential to maintain during the shutdown has been the Congressional gym. Oh no, please don’t get out of the pool, Mr. Boehner. This fuck you is waterproof.
Especially you House members who keep re-fighting a battle the president, Congress, Supreme Court, and fucking voting populace have already settled over and over again, thanks a fuck ton!
According to science, the 112th Congress is the most polarized since the end of Reconstruction. You know, that period immediately following the Civil Fucking War.
For a few of the most conservative members of Congress, “doing nothing at all is a positive outcome that saves the nation from the ills of big government.” Guess what? Doing nothing is doing nothing. You were hired to do a job, not to prevent others from doing theirs. Please, go fuck yourselves right out of office.
To Michelle Bachmann, who on the day of the shutdown said, out loud, for the record, not sarcastically or under any form of coercion, “We’re very excited. It’s exactly what we wanted, and we got it.” Fuck you to infinity.
Oh, and remember that whole “cracking down on gun-related violence” thing? Yeah, fuck you very much.
Another group hit hardest by the government shutdown is the Native American population, which is just great because they haven’t been screwed badly enough by the American political system over the past 200 years. Congress, please stop making it so easy to say “fuck you.”
To Utah Sen. Mike Lee, whose first response to whether he would continue to accept paychecks while the majority of government workers are furloughed was, “I’m working, I’ll continue to be paid.” We offer a big, Utah-elevated Fuck You, sir.
Catastrophic climate change, unsustainable mass incarceration, dangerously neglected public infrastructure—oh sorry, just rattling off issues that have been largely ignored while you’ve argued about Obamacare for three years. Now where were we? Oh right, fuck you Congress.
An agency that approves new breweries, recipes, and labels has been shut down, so yes, even our ability to drink these sorrows away are being hindered. Hey Congress, this fuck’s for you!
The National Institutes of Health is closed, but all they do is admit kids with cancer into clinical trials to try and save them. So sure, keep holding out Congress. It’s worth it. Also, fuck you.
Then there was that time when the U.S.’s credit rating got totally fucked because the markets decided we can’t be trusted to pay our bills. Guess which branch of government bore the brunt of that blame? Ya don’t fucking say, it’s the legislative.
Thousands of poor and elderly Massachusetts residents receiving federal fuel assistance to keep their homes warm are now left in the cold by the shutdown. Hey Congress, maybe send some of the piping hot bullshit you’ve been shoveling lately up their way to help them stay warm at night. Fuck you.
NASA celebrated its 55th anniversary by sending home 97% of its workforce. Space: the final fuck you.
Congress, you are less popular than head lice, Nickelback, root canals, and Donald Fucking Trump. Seriously. How the fuck did you pull that off?
Freshman Rep. Thomas Massie called the government shutdown “not a big deal.” You know what’s not a big deal to us, Mr. Massie? Serving you up a nice, hot slice of go fuck yourself.
Hey shutdown-supporter Steve Stockman. Yes, you with the “If babies had guns they wouldn’t be aborted” bumper stickers available for donators: 1.) WTF does that even mean? 2.) Fuck you.
You know your Congress sucks when the officially named “Do Nothing” 80th Congress actually got more done.
You shut down Panda Cam, you bastards! Fuuuuuck you.
Congress had a deal in place to avoid this entire shitshow months ago, but one side reneged. Worse still, that side has spent the past two weeks pointing the finger of blame rather than owning their hardline stance. (Spoiler: It’s the GOP.) (Double Spoiler: It’s fucking infuriating!)
For accomplishing something that, prior to 2013, had only ever been accomplished by Newt fucking Gingrich, fuck you.
*cough* *cough* The EPA *wheeze* *hack* and its thousands of employees *cough* who protect us from toxic air and water pollutants *haaaaack* *coughcough* is almost entirely shutdown. *wheeze* Fuck. *cough* You. *cough* Congress.
In a most-delicious dose of irony, no, hypocrisy, no, stupidity caught on camera, Rep. Randy Neugebauer chastised a parks employee for enforcing the shutdown that he himself voted for.
Rep. John Flemming once fell for an Onion headline about an abortionplex, and now he thinks that economists “predict all sorts of things” so we shouldn’t factor them into governance. Fuck you, you idiot.
Hold on, we’re receiving a very special transmission directly from the Mars Curiosity rover. This is incredible, let’s see what it has to say. The transmission is coming in now. Here we go, it says, “FUCK YOU CONGRESS.” Wow, harsh words for a robot. Guess you shouldn’t have furloughed the employee running its mission.
Captaining the Fuck You football team is House Speaker John Boehner, who is frightened by a few members of his own party and won’t allow a vote on a “clean” budget bill. This man is second in line for presidential succession. Fuck you, Boehner, for being such a coward.
Nearly 9 million mothers, infants and children in poverty receiving nutritional aid from the government have maybe “a week or so” before funds dry up. Fuck you for even toeing this line, Congress.
Every day the government is shut down, it hurts the economy. It’s that fucking simple.
The man credited with conceiving of the shutdown, Rep. Mark Meadows, can perhaps next conceive of a way to go fuck himself.
A bunch of WWII veterans needed to bust their way through a barricade to visit the memorial for their fellow soldiers in DC. A real fucking bang up job there, Congress.
Rep. John Culberson recalled the GOP vote to shut down the government thusly: “The whole room [said]: ‘Let’s vote!’ I said, like 9/11, ‘Let’s roll!’” In the name of all victims of actual terrorism, shut. the. fuck. up.
Hey, Congress, there are a couple hundred people indisposed with salmonella right now thanks to the Center for Disease Control operating with a barebones staff. They’d likely tell you themselves if they weren’t presently vomiting, so we’ll say it for them: fuck you!
Fucking Ted Yoho compared his impassioned stand against Obamacare to that of Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King Jr. A very passionate fuck you, to you, Ted.
The media drives us crazy. Congress drives us bonkers. The media’s coverage of Congress? Just fuck everything!
Those sanctions against Iran that are so easy for everybody to agree on, well they’re hard to enforce when the government is shut down. Seriously, fuck you.
Fucking please just stop fucking shit up for two fucking seconds and get your goddamn act together. FUCK!!
On behalf of every student trying to figure out how to write a political science research paper without access to government websites, we’re going to go ahead and say “fuck you Congress” without citation.
Among the countless cuts during the government shutdown were 23 Headstart programs. Let’s put that in terms both preschoolers and our most idiotic elected officials can understand: poor kids who need help can’t get it because Congress is fighting. Now say it with us, kids: “Fuck You Congress.”
Let’s get this straight: In an effort to repeal a law that grants the poor cheaper health care options, you are shutting down programs that help the poor? You’re seriously doubling down on screwing our country’s impoverished? Well, a double fuck you right back!
Congressional Doink #37: Phil Gingrey said earlier this year about serving in Congress, “Meanwhile, I’m stuck here making $172,000 a year.” Sorry, Phil. How ’bout a raise of fuck you dollars a month?